Author: Long and windy tale
He had been sent to Spain to retire and given a house to look after with the occasional guest. A bit of collecting from the airport and station now and then. Mostly he could relax into village life and meet a few old acquaintances as they passed through. As such it was not too unusual to get a message:
..Please pick up tomorrow, 09.30, Galaxy Hotel..
He would need to be a bit more tidy in his dress, but a drive down the coast would be pleasant considering the weather, and maybe he could get a bite to eat on the way. Stopping outside the hotel with a good ten minutes to spare, Toddy sat back in the driver’s seat with the window down and a cool sea breeze on his face to keep him awake. Suddenly a tap on the passenger side window, the door opened and his guest plunged himself down on his seat. Toddy recognised him immediately. He was the Enforcer. A well-respected man and they had worked a few times together in the past.
Toddy knowing the situation was a bit more than a casual affair took on the role of subservient driver and waited for instructions. The Enforcer told him to drive off towards the town centre and then take a country road on the left. There was no conversation now just the odd instruction on where to go.
“Pull over here, wait in the car and put the child lock on the doors. I will be back in a few minutes.”
He did what he was told. The Enforcer walked to the opposite side of the road and down a few houses but from the car Toddy could not see much else. Time passed slowly and then he heard one of the back doors open and a man was bundled in. The Enforcer slammed the door shut and then took his place as passenger again.
“Do not talk to this man, do not engage with him at all. Do you know how to get to the Capsin Mountains?”
Toddy nodded and started to drive off. Nothing was said for a while but once they moved away from the coast and started the climb into the countryside the man in the back perked up and started to complain.
“This car should be a hearse, you are taking me to my own funeral.”
Toddy looked forward and concentrated on the road.
“How much are you getting, I can pay more.”
The Enforcer turned to the man and stared, then turned back.
“I am innocent, you know that ya cunt.”
The Enforcer instructed Toddy to pull over when he could find a safe space. Toddy pulled to the side of the road and the Enforcer got out and opened the back door. He punched the man in the chest, who fell back against the opposite door, at which point the Enforcer grabbed one of his legs and taking a hammer from his breast pocket slammed it down hard three times on the man’s left kneecap. He got back into the car sat down and turned to the back seat.
“Now, not another fucking word.”
Toddy started up the car and drove back onto the road. The car was silent apart from groans of pain and some muffled snivelling. The drive to Capsin was a good three hours and they had only just started. It was going to be quite miserable without anyone talking. Somehow the Enforcer understood this and turned on the radio picking a music channel to at least drown out the pitiful state of the man in the back.
“In a few miles there will be a turn left off onto a private road, take that road.”
“In a while there will be a couple of thick white lines on the road. Drive up to the first one and stop the car.”
Toddy followed the instruction. At the white line the Enforcer got out and walked to a box which must have contained a phone or radio. He could see him having a conversation. The Enforcer returned and dragged the man from the back seat onto the verge, turned him face down and placed a large boot on his back.
“You move and I break it.”
He shouted over to the car: “You can get out and stretch your legs, we have to wait ten minutes.”
Toddy got out.
A car approached from above turned itself round and parked at the other white line. The Enforcer dragged his prisoner over to the car and handed him to two other men. The Enforcer walked over to a third man for some quite animated talking. Twice they pointed to Toddy which was quite worrying, but the gestures looked friendly enough. After what seemed to be an overlong conversation the Enforcer came back and told Toddy to get back into the car.
“I want you to follow the car up to the house.”
As they started up the Enforcer turned to Toddy looking a lot more concerned than his normal self. Toddy’s sense of foreboding was on overdrive. The whole day had been very much different to what he was expecting. Thank God he had had a hefty breakfast by the beach.
“Listen. This is very unusual. It is extremely rare for anyone to drive up to the house. I have never been. You need to pay attention to what I am about to tell you. We are going to stay overnight, and I am sorry about that. It will be comfortable, and I want you ready for seven in the morning to drive us home. You can relax and have a few drinks but be one hundred percent tomorrow. When we get to the house park up. I will leave but you must stay in the car and must not move from the car unless instructed. If no one comes you sleep in the car. If you need a piss or shit then you piss and shit in the car. Do not deviate in any way.”
Toddy knew it was serious and knew when to follow instructions completely. They arrived at the house which was much more than a house. It was a country mansion with a massive driveway in the front but zero cars apart from the one they followed that had gone elsewhere and Toddy’s car. The Enforcer got out and walked into the entrance. Toddy sat and waited and started to plan how he would sleep if he was stuck all night outside. Luckily a tap on the window and a man very much dressed like a butler introduced himself.
“You can get out and lock the car up. We have sorted out a room for you so follow me and if I tell you to do anything just obey.”
They walked along the front of the house to the left side and entered into a large kitchen. There were a few cooks but it was hardly a busy place. Across the kitchen they walked out into the entrance hallway at which point the butler held out his hand and gestured for Toddy to stand still.
“Bow your head, stare at your shoes and wait.”
“OK, we can move off again.”
They walked to a middle staircase and where it split halfway up they took the right steps up onto a landing and then along a long corridor to the end at which point the butler opened the room door.
“This is where you will stay. You will be locked in but still it’s a comfortable room. I will go and organise some food and fresh clothes but go ahead and take a bath.”
The butler left the room and locked the door. Toddy looked around. It was a very large bedroom lounge and to the side was a kitchen and next to that a bathroom. He opened the fridge door which was stocked with beer and coke and milk. The cupboards had some cereals and snacks. The bathroom was stocked up with everything for a night’s stay including a very comfy-looking dressing gown. Toddy took a beer from the fridge and sat on the bed for a while. Well, this might be a prison but it ain’t like any prison I have been in before, he thought.
He then wandered into the bathroom and started to run a bath. Several hours of driving with all that sinister tension would be very much relieved by a comfy soak. He undressed and put his clothes neatly on the bed and took a dip. As he wallowed he heard the door open and the butler came in.
“I have been allowed to give you a little tour which will make your stay a little more interesting. I will be back for you in a couple of hours.”
The butler went and a few minutes later a maid came in, which slightly embarrassed Toddy although she did not seem to be put out at all.
“I have brought you some clean clothes so I have put them on the bed. I will bring in your food and then leave you to it. If however, you wanted some comfort later I can come back.”
Toddy understood what was implied but declined the offer. Once the door had been locked again he got out of the bath and towelled himself down. Putting on the dressing gown he went back into the main room. A trolley of food had been placed to one side. Paella, garlic focaccia, yoghurt with cucumber chunks and a fruit salad. Along with a small bottle of red wine already opened. Toddy tucked in and it was perfectly delicious. After he had eaten he took the fresh clothes and dressed. Pants, socks, trousers, grandad shirt, waistcoat which kind of made him look like the butler.
By the side of the bed was a suitcase with a tag saying “parting gifts”. It had a few knick-knacks including two pewter tankards embossed with his name and a very expensive looking watch. He felt the weight of the watch. Yep, very expensive.
Toddy put the pillows together on the bed and lay down to relax. The bath, the beer and red wine had washed away all the troubles of his day. The butler came as he had said and told Toddy that he could take anything he wanted from the room but it all must fit into the suitcase and he would not be allowed to carry anything else or have anything in his pockets. A new set of clothes and maybe a bottle of good wine that he saw racked in the kitchen would be well worth the hassle of his day. The butler also gave him a bank card.
“This is payment for your work. It’s an English bank but you can make withdrawals from Spanish ATMs. It’s half a million and it’s for your absolute silence. Now leave that on the side and let’s have a walk around.”
When they got to the bottom of the stairs they walked straight out into the front and turned left. Walking alongside the building and into a smallish garden and pebbled pathway to an iron gate. The butler unlocked it with a key and both stepped through towards the back of the house. It was much more open plan, and Toddy was told to only speak when spoken to. Over in the far corner of the back garden Toddy could see the Enforcer in conversation with someone. The butler started to explain to him who people were.
“This house is run by three what we could call emperors. They run the criminal enterprises of the world. The Enforcer is talking to one over there, one of them is not at home and over in front of you sitting by the table drinking coffee is the third. They are not affiliated with any groups but when something high up goes wrong they summon people, extract details and then restore balance.”
Toddy and the butler walked forward into the garden and were then beckoned over by the man drinking coffee. He placed his cup back on the table, turned over a book he was reading so he would not lose his place and smiled at Toddy.
“Sorry we have to imprison you this evening but I hope the room is comfortable.”
Toddy replied: “Yes, very comfortable indeed. Best prison I have been too.”
“Yes, you did do some time when you were young. Robbery and burglary wasn’t it and then you took up killing for us. How did you make that change?”
Toddy was taken aback that the man knew something of his business.
“One of my bunk mates gave me an introduction and trained me up inside. When I left prison I was skilled up and the first few jobs went well.”
The man said: “Well, from what I have been told you have had a solid career and have been very trustworthy. It is nice to know some of the old-style thinking still exists. Please enjoy your walk around.”
They walked further down the garden and the butler instructed Toddy not to turn around to look but to walk forward. The garden started sloping downwards and they wandered to a stepped pathway. On the right the butler explained were full plots and on the left were empty plots. To the left Toddy could see massive chunks dug out of the ground at least three metres deep. Nearing the last step of the slope the final plot had chains guarding the edge. Toddy looked down to see bodies laid out in the bottom covered in white dust.
“It’s lime and we mix it with some other chemicals to remove any noxious smells. Not like the stink of a hospital or morgue at all, is it.”
The butler was correct the smell of death was completely removed from this mass grave. The steps finished and they were walking onto a vast hexagon of concrete with the centre missing. It was the roof of a building.
“This is the prison. It can hold 25 at any time but can be doubled up to 50. They enter a cell, they get questioned in the cell, they live the rest of their short lives in the cell and they are killed in their cell. They can walk across to the centre and exercise outside with no restriction but few do. Basically it’s death row. The man you brought us today will already be inside.”
They did a circle round the building roof and then walked back towards the house and entered through the kitchen. Toddy was taken to his room, the door was locked and he would not see another person until morning. In the morning breakfast was brought to his room at six-fifteen. He ate, dressed, packed his gift bag with his own clothes and had room for two bottles of red wine from the kitchen. He was ready and waiting for the butler who arrived at six-fifty. They walked to the car and loaded up the suitcase. He sat in the driver’s seat waiting for the Enforcer.
The back door of the car was opened and a person he had not seen before was sat down. The Enforcer took his front seat and told Toddy to drive off.
“Listen the man in the back is a special case you have to forget everything about him. Drive us back to my hotel and drive home. You should forget about the last 24 hours but I am thankful it was you because you have been perfect and I am glad you have been rewarded. Enjoy your retirement.”
Toddy drove to the hotel and dropped them off and not another word was spoken. He took the coastal route back to his own house but stopped off at a beach restaurant for a pizza and chocolate cake. At home he unpacked his new bag. Placed his new clothes in the wardrobe and arranged the other gifts in a drawer. He opened one of the bottles of red wine to let it breathe and sat himself in the garden to doze through the early evening.
Too Long?…. Slightly innacurate summary by Ken Dodd:
By Jove, what a tickled-pink palaver! Poor old Toddy gets pulled away from his nice, quiet Spanish retirement to play chauffeur for his hard-faced mate “The Enforcer”, who pops a right noisy scoundrel in the back seat and gives his knee a proper wallop with a hammer for good measure, missus! They toddle off up to a grand, mysterious mountain mansion run by proper criminal kingpins, where Toddy gets locked in a swanky room with a fancy tub, a smashing feed of paella, a suitcase packed with lovely freebies, and a whopping half a million quid bank card just to keep his trap shut! After a little guided tour past a giant pit full of lime and a top-secret underground prison, he drives his pal back the next morning without asking a single question, floating home to tuck into a lovely pizza, a slice of chocolate cake, and a nice glass of vino—how’s that for a plumptious day out, drumsticks!