The Fallacy Of World Peace

Author: Just Some Schmuck

I’ve had this in my back pocket for some time now and although it’s idealistic and wholly unrealistic, I feel as if it is the only solution to America’s and more so, the global gun violence issue as a whole. However, for this to work, the entire world –a.k.a., the global government consensus, has to be on-board. But like I said, idealistically unrealistic.

I’ll begin by covering some context as an introduction.

Whenever I hear of some new gun control initiative being proposed, I usually scoff. Blah blah blah, yeah yeah, whatever dude. Talk about idealism. Let’s face it folks, gun control laws don’t work. It’s the same rhetoric I’ve been hearing since my youth. And guess what? People are STILL killing people with firearms. Go! Check your favorite news feed RIGHT NOW! There’s probably some clever sociopath that somehow found a way to remain undetected just long enough to legally obtain a handgun and then goes on a killing spree. Or, A 12 year old boy took advantage of his father’s one-time failure to lock the gun cabinet. The boy then takes the hunting rifle and snipes 14 classmates the following day from the rooftop of a building adjacent to the school. Or trophy hunters, ivory poachers, WAR, I could go on and on about irresponsible gun usage.

The fact is, people who should never have a weapon are somehow still getting their hands on them, no matter the proposed initiative or otherwise. And it’s only getting worse. Hell, you can 3D print a gun right in the comfort of your home. Which is a prime example of us humans becoming too smart for our own good. But don’t let me digress. I could go on about that too.

Coming up is the plan in three stages. It still needs a little work but I believe it to be feasible if we, as a global population, are TRULY SERIOUS about stopping gun violence. Because, you see, I believe that’s been the fatal flaw in the effort so far. We haven’t been SERIOUS! Oh, we may talk a good game about how this initiative will further restrict access to whomever. But that’s all it is, just talk. Nothing but lip service. Realistically, the current system only works in a perfect world. The fantastic, imaginary one in which everyone follows the rules and stands vigilant in the firearm access restriction effort. Well, here’s a news flash for all the political constituents out there lobbying for more gun control. We don’t live in a perfect world, mkay? Not everyone follows the rules and some simply don’t give a shart. Then there are gray areas in life, things unforeseen that exploit a loophole in current legislation. So you remedy that with more legislation? And it’s always AFTER the fact, always after the bloodshed. Sounds like a bad business model to me. A friend of mine said it best, “That’s like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound.”

Here we go…

First of all, cease and desist ALL weapon/ammunition manufacturing and re-purpose the facilities to support the upcoming confiscation effort. For manpower, enlist/employ former workers into the effort. If they refuse… I don’t know, give them a lackluster severance package and send them home.

Second, launch the global weapons confiscation effort with technology and resources that we already have. Begin house-to-house search and seizures. And, because we know folks are going to hide them, fly over the landscape in reconnaissance aircraft equipped with ground-penetrating radar to find buried weapon caches. Also, let’s put some boots on the ground with canine assistance. There are thousands of capable dogs scattered across the globe in animal shelters with nothing to do. Train those dogs to sniff out guns and ammunition. If you need a starting point, travel down to Louisiana and talk to Tia Torres at the Villalobos Pit Bull Rescue. I’m sure she’d be on-board. If for nothing else than to empty out her kennels so she can rescue more dogs. And, as a bonus, she has a vast network of allied animal shelters spread across the USA that she could loop in to assist. Bless that woman and her family. I still have a crush on Mariah, a.k.a. M1, by the way. Although, she’s not as hot as she was at 18, I’d still love to sniff her armpits after a long, hot day of rescuing dogs in the New Orleans heat.

As for law enforcement, I haven’t overlooked you guys. You will surrender your weapons as well, without question. Need I begin to rant about unjustified police shootings? And yes, the military too… because of that whole war thing.

Okay, some of you are by now lamenting about the infringement of your right to bear arms, so on and so forth. Don’t worry. I have that covered. Once it’s confirmed that all of your firearms, ammunition, flamethrowers, tanks, etc. have been seized, you will be issued one short sword, one two-handed long sword, one dagger, one bow, and one quiver containing enough arrows to get you started. If you want more, learn how to blacksmith. It’s still a free country. This is now what you have to work with folks, so make the best of it. Bugger up weapon usage again and away go the blades. You will then have to protect your property, defend yourself, settle disputes and rob banks with thumb wars. Remember that game? One, two, three, four. I declare a THUMB WAR!?

Or, you could just get along.

The third and final stage consists of the best part! (You ecocentrics will love this. No really. You will. Just bear with me.) Disposal. The most efficient way I see is to drop everything into the fiery maw of a volcano, giving all of those resources back to the Earth. I’m sure we have enough aircraft available for that task. There’s certainly an ample assortment of volcanoes spread across the globe. Once enough contraband has been confiscated, start loading up the aircraft and take off to your nearest volcano. You could probably drop a fair amount out the belly of a bomber or carry/release at least a 2000 pound bundle tethered to a double-propped helicopter. If it’s too far to fly, ship it to a convenient location then fly it over. I’ll leave the logistics of that up to the smart people.

In closing, my intention was to post this for entertainment purposes and possibly spark a civil conversation. But this is EUM, so my hopes for civility are most likely in vain. In truth, this was inspired by George Carlin’s solution to America’s homeless crisis. In order to build more housing, he advised reclaiming land from golf courses and cemetaries. In regards to the latter, he says, “Plough those motherfuckers up, plough them into the streams and rivers of America; we NEED that phosphorous for farming! If we’re going to recycle, LET’S GET SERIOUS!”

I believe my plan has an equally unrealistic possibility of ever coming to fruition. But, it amuses me nonetheless.

Cheers to you, George.