Suzie

Author: Cassandra

I live so much inside my mind that I sometimes forget there is an outside world. It gets to the extent of thinking, typing, talking, finding cool movies, looking deeper into my own way of thinking and living, and forgetting, in the process, simple things like eating, showering, talking to my family, or doing any ordinary activity.

It’s funny and weird. It’s like you somehow fall into a depressive area that isn’t technically depressive or sad or pathetic, but you do nothing in it. You just think continuously. It can last for one week or even two months. I don’t think this is normal, lol, but it’s something worth exploring. I call it an identity crisis.

During these kinds of periods, I tend to be less strategic and more impulsive, chasing after dopamine, trying shit out for fun, messing up relationships because I want some drama, and, of course, going on some dumb adventures that put me and my family’s safety at risk. But who cares? Of course not me, lol.

I hate my boredom, and that’s why I often find myself having crazy plans and expectations for my life. I’m always finding a reason to work and to sleep soundly at night, feeling proud. So yes, despite everything, I try to keep up a good image, reputation, and level in my studies (always scoring great).

I would destroy myself in the process. Last year was important, so I would cut myself, for example, each day that I studied less than 12 hours. And it’s serious, lol. But for me, it’s just that I’m teaching myself discipline. I don’t really care about myself. I even call her Suzie.

And no, I don’t hate Suzie at all. I just can’t, lol. When a friend told me about his suicidal thoughts, I tried to put my mind to it. I wanted to trick Suzie into some suicidal episode, after all. Technically, she might want it after what she went through. But she was fucking laughing at the idea. Suicide is dumb for her.

Dear reader , do u relate to any of this? I’m curious.