Something’s Wrong With Me

Author: E

Every time I meet someone new they usually ghost me really really fast. I think it may be because I come off strong and weird from being isolated from people most my life but sometimes it gets me paranoid af that they know some secrets or some stupid ass childish rumours about me are flying around.

I live in a very small rural area and pretty much everybody knows everybody so any secrets that come out will 100 percent be shared around. I’m also a gay dude which I don’t really care to flaunt or tell people about much although it does impact my life a lot when it comes to relationships and man its almost impossible finding a none faggy boyfriend whos not a rainbow waving creature nowadays. Call me a faggot much you want I do it all the time lol. I only mention this because the rural area I live in is pretty conservative and homophobic so I guess if that’s out there then there’s another reason to not be really approachable especially if the person is a straight male. Like when I say my community is small I mean my family pretty much know every family in the neighbourhood and beyond so yeah everybody probably knows I’m a faggot that goes off the rails on and off.

Which brings me to 2 other things that probably make me not very comforting to be around. One of them I guess I wont share fully because I don’t wanna turn this post into a melodrama *spoiler I do* but substance abuse is probably one big reason I struggle with that makes people no want to be around me and also I guess other psychological aliments that make me a straight up walking red flag. I can really only communicate and talk to “normies” while on this substance but the downside is it usually turns me into a desperate, overemotional lonely little bitch that overshares. I think I realised recently how damaging it can be to not have regular company irl anymore I kind of just leech onto new people like a vile pink fruity fungus now hoping they will be my best friend or more. All my friends left me when I started to abuse the substance (whooooooooob) and made my mental state become really chaotic and toxic.

I miss having friends and I wish I had friends. I just cant make them anymore and it sucks. It’s never organic meeting people for me, just forced and idk if its because I hate the human race as a whole or just I just don’t connect to 90% of the population. Guess this did turn into a melodrama lol sorry. Loneliness and this crippling addiction does make me think of suicide sometimes but nah I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself. Guess we gotta hope for the best.