Something Has Fucking Happened

Author: Audacity

Yes I’m gonna write the mother stuff still, but I had to come here right away and write this first because: Something crazy has happened and…

Something has happened that that I can’t even believe has happened.

But it has.

Something I never expected.

And despite my best efforts, it means more to me than it should.

And yes, tears when I read it.

Because I opened up my messages this morning and found a message (it’s below. And we’ll get to it) that was actually sent to me a couple months ago but I missed it because I rarely go in my DM’s but had to because my mom is in the hospital; and I needed to tell this to people I don’t have saved in my phone (because they’re people I rarely speak to, like my mom’s church people friends); but in searching for them, I found a message that was sent to me a couple months ago (that I include at the end of this post)…from someone who I’ve actually told you all a great deal about.

Even though you didn’t know who I was talking about at the time.

Because the real life guy that I had sex with in that club bathroom and wrote about it in Sexcapades 1a-1d? Well, and none of you know this yet, but that guy I fucked in that bathroom in 2013, is ALSO the same guy that I simply refer to as “T”, my teenaged boyfriend when I was a teenager, at the end part of “A-Fear Itself”. Remember him?

You know the one. My teenage boyfriend I was watching Halloween with and singing the Silver Shamrock song with (and Season Of The Witch is Halloween 3, not 4. We were watching Halloween 3. Not 4 as I originally wrote. That was my mistake. There are just SO MANY OF THOSE HALLOWEENS to keep straight lol) when I, we, saw an actual ghost? Back when I was 15 yrs old and my boyfriend was 18? Well, the guy I fucked in that club bathroom stall and the guy I saw a ghost with…they are the same person…

YES, THEY ARE ONE AND THE SAME.

Just that the times I wrote about, 1) us seeing a ghost together in his manor house when I was 15 and 2) when I hooked up with him as relayed in Sexcapades, the two instances were with the same person. Just those two things happened with him about 13 years apart. When I was in my late 20’s and he was in his early 30’s. And the time in between those two things happening felt like a lifetime apart. But they both happened with HIM.

Which I was going to bring everything together and disclose that at the end of the sexcapades story (which is why I kept writing that we’d “been here before” and “he knew every move in my sexcapade repertoire”. Because we very much had. Because he want just some random hook up in a club. That’s why it read like it did. With emotion and not just my usual sex addicted rando fucking without ever looking back. Because he’s the one I practiced and developed those moves with.

That guy in the bathroom with me that night, he actually was special. We had, we have, major history together. That Sexcapades encounter I had read romantic and like I had live for him, because I DID love him. And we had and have the most history together out of anyone I’ve ever known. He’s even the one I gave my virginity to, when we were teen lovers who were madly in love and fucking on like a daily basis, 13 years BEFORE hooking up again in that club bathroom that night.

He’s also the person where my sex addiction kinda bloomed.

I was going to tell you about all of this at the end of the sexcapades 1 chapters he features in, but I haven’t fucking written it yet god damn it.

So I have to tell you now.

And now I really wish I had written it already cause this is probably not coming out right and is just confusing at this point, and is already running terribly long.

So let me try to write it more simply and succinctly: the adult man that I, as an adult woman, had sex with in the bathroom of that club, which I recounted in Sexcapades 1a-1d AND the teenage guy I saw the ghost with YEARS earlier when I was 15 and he was 18, and referred to as “T”, that I said I missed for the friendship? THEY ARE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. It’s just that the two times I told you about, where I was with him, happened decades apart time wise. But they are both T.

So yeah…Surprise. Same guy. That’s the truth revealed. One of the truths in our fucked up situation anyway. So yeah, I spoiled it but you’re welcome 😂

And there is so much more I planned to tell you all about him and me and us and others and our lives and how we ultimately split back then…but then came back together years later in that bathroom that night; but again, I haven’t finished writing it yet.

Cause that shit is really painful.

But god damn it I now wish I HAD written it already. Cause this wouldn’t be such a long telling which it now IS.

But T is a guy I’ve actually told you all a great deal about. Even though you didn’t know who I was talking about at the time. Or that they were the same person.

But anyway, I haven’t spoken to the real T in like 9 years at least. Because it all ended so badly. A bad ending that nearly broke me. Painful and horrible and life altering and it hurt many people that I cared about then. And I just kinda stopped speaking to him really.

And then, like a cosmic joke…he has now messaged me out of the blue, but I didn’t find it till TWO MONTHS LATER. Because my mom is in the hospital.

But there he was, there his waiting message was. After years of not speaking.

And I swear it was like he knew I’d be talking about him, writing about us. Told you he could always read my mind.

I swear this makes it feel like he still can.

And this is a guy who…actually I have no words to describe him more. He wasn’t just some guy. He was THEE guy. Plain and simple. The one to which all other guys were measured against…and came up sorely lacking. Although there was actually nothing about him that has ever been plain or simple.

While I’m not going to do anything to hurt or betray my current partner, my beloved fiancé, she who saved me from the darkness, it does matter to me that he has written to me.

I wish it didn’t. But it does.

And this is how a sex addiction is a bad thing to have in a monogamous relationship.

Because there is a huge part of me that still wants him. So badly. And I hate myself for that part of me.

HATE That part that just wants to give in to hedonism abandon and just get lost in it again. And in him. And to resist it, to resist that, to control my impulses, it’s work. Conscious effort work on my part.

But I’m in a relationship with someone I love. Someone who is better to me and for me than he or anyone EVER was. Someone I love more than my past reckless harmful loathsome sex addiction bullshit..and addiction to HIM.

Not only does he know I’m in a committed relationship now, he’s in a relationship too (and that’s a complicated thing as well. One I will get to in some upcoming Sexcapades episode. Promise. Cause trust me, there’s a fucked up story there too. Where isn’t there in my piece of shit history? In OUR piece of shit history?). Which is another reason he shouldn’t be writing the kind of shit he’s written to me (don’t worry, I’m getting to it).

But it’s us. Just like he said that night when he walked into that bathroom stall after me. “What can we do?” He’d said. “It’s us”. And unfortunately that’s always been true; we were and always will be something special. Something rare. Something “us”.

He knows. I know it.

And I hate that actually. Hate it so much. Because unfortunately, there really isn’t anything I can do about it.

But it doesn’t mean that I have to give into it.

So yeah. That’s where I find myself this morning.

I copied what he wrote me. Find it below:

“Hey. Yeah it’s really me. Don’t hang up.

You’ve been running my mind again lately. Circles. And I had to tell you something. Something I should have told you a long time ago.

I really hope you know I don’t hate you. I love you more than anyone. And I just wanted you to know that. I did have to upgrade my phone to get my message to go through so there was real “effort” on my part to get this to you (ok this is Audacity interjecting because I feel the need to add that this his sarcastic smart ass sense of humor talking 😂).

But here I am, and yes I am alive, but not that well. Because you know I’ve never been that well without you. Even after all these years. I hope you don’t ever feel that I don’t want to talk to you. Or that I don’t miss you. I will always miss you.

Of all the people I’ve known or know, you are the one I want to see again before I die. Don’t worry. I’m not dying. Anymore than we all are (Audacity again- SEE? We have always been simpatico, two halves of one whole. Same death fixation and all). But some part of me hopes it made you sad to think I was, even if you did for just a moment. If that moment meant you were gonna come see me again girl. (Audacity yet again to say- Jesus his cocky narcissism sexy manipulative shit has always been so fucking attractive to me…yes I know I’m broken and completely fucked up).

You have been such a big part in my life and heart that I will never forget what we meant to each other. Or what you mean to me still. That and all of our times together, will always be with me. You will always be with me. Forever. You ever need me my girl, I’m there. Just let me know. Or just come see me live. If you never do, I understand. Even if I won’t ever really accept it.

your boy Ty”

Ok yeah, that’s his name. It’s cool to write it cause no last names ever, it’s one of his middle names he goes by so no one will ever find him, and we’re not friends on any socials even if you did hack me, and I’m pretty sure no one knows us on here.

But I included his sign off because, SEE? EVEN HIS FUCKING NAME IS SEXY. My platinum long haired, Icelandic blue eyed, chisel jawed, cut abs and cut arms and cut everything, beautifully endowed, voracious lover and read-my-mind reader, always smells good, absolutely stunning and fucking sexy, always made me laugh out loud funny and make me cum, uber intelligent and uber sarcastic and uber kind in his way and always understood me, beautiful Viking god built for sex and battle, with the sexiest name that I used to whisper in my fucking sleep (true story) and the boy who actually took my virginity when we were young teens (me 13, him 16) living adjacent to one another, then had a heady wild no holds barred hedonistic fucking threesome filled (and group sex filled), 3 year affair after we hooked up in that club bathroom years later (yep we ended having a full blown 3 year affair after we hooked up in that bathroom that night), is what and who he is.

Ok that was a huge run on sentence. I’m Sorry.

Ok let me clam down.

So yes, even his name is fucking sexy to me. Always has been. His full name is actually as unique as he is too.

And so, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that message? What do I do in general? When just talking to him again could open up doors to shit I won’t be able to resist impulsively if I get right in front of them. Which means I know the right thing to do already- delete and ignore.

Because A huge part of me, the high thinking smart part, is screaming “You don’t want to go there. You know it’s a slippery slope bitch”. Cause I love my girlfriend and I REFUSE TO HURT HER.

And I don’t want to be with him in a relationship till we both actually die. I can’t be. It’s complicated but you have to trust me on this and I WILL explain at another time. In the next sexcapades. Promise. But he’s…got his own set of issues. And our lives, our choices, they aren’t congruent with one another.

And yes, I’ll always love him. Shut up. I can’t help it.

But I also won’t survive fucking up my life and destroying someone else I love, a second time. I just won’t.

I know you all don’t know what I mean with that but you will once I finish writing the rest of what ended up happening with his and my situation.

But then there’s another part of me, the impulsive, wild, throw caution to the wind, death fixated (youonlyliveonce, youonlyliveonce, youonly SHUT UP HEART) sex addicted, bad tragedy kind of romantic part of me that really REALLY wants to talk to him again.

But then again I think I shouldn’t.

But what if I never get the chance to talk to him again for some reason? Don’t know if I could live with passing this opportunity up if this could be the last chance I ever get to do that.

So I’m asking the EUM neighborhood and Admin:

What should I do? Respond or don’t respond? What would you do?

And why am I putting this up here and asking you, my favorite group of lovable assholes?

SIMPLE. BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY PLACE I CAN PUT IT. It’s the only place where I have anonymity. And I certainly can’t ask any of my girlfriend and I’s mutual friends what THEY think about it. And I’m an only child with the only parent I could have talked about his with (my Dad) now being dead.

I can’t take this anywhere else but here. Believe me I’m aware of how fucked up that is.

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

So, without judging me cause at this point it would really make me want to slit some throats, just tell me what you would actually do if this was happening to YOU instead????