Question For Neurotypical

Author: Longthickbrownhair

Can you sense when someone is autistic? Whenever I go somewhere I feel like an alien. If I walk with someone, I feel awkward with them but somewhat more normal to others around me. If I walk alone, I really feel like an alien in a humans body. I thought walking alone would get easier as I grew up, but it didn’t. I prefer walking alone, but I get this really odd feeling. Maybe it’s because my mum sheltered me like crazy as a kid. I have a certain route I go to pick wild berries that I’ve been going to since I was a teen, but I always feel so weird doing it. I try doing it at certain times like 8am when everyone’s getting ready for school/work or at those places, as my walks there can sometimes take hours. But picking the berries and walking along the path, I love it, but I feel so weird for some reason. And whenever I see someone walking towards or behind me, I immediately assume they’re going to beat me to death or torture me to death. Cause of this I avoid wearing dresses and dress really boring. I feel pretty in dresses but I’m terrified of being seen in them as if anyone who sees me wearing a dress will want to assault me and kill me. I don’t know if this is just because I’ve watched too much horror movies but I’ve had this fear for as long as I can remember. I have some beautiful, high quality dresses that I look good in, but because of my paranoia and anxiety I just stick to wearing my shitty boring jumpers and sweatpants or jeans. It’s like showing any skin means I’m inviting someone to do horrible stuff to me. Anyways whenever I go on these walks I do enjoy them but I still feel like an alien mimicking what a human does for enjoyment. Nobody is watching me but I still feel like I’m being watched. Also, my point is, whenever I walk past someone, I feel like they know I’m an autistic freak. They want to hurt me. I always think people are out to hurt me. Growing up my mum never physically abused me but I would always worry she would poison my food or drink. I would also fear passing anyone even at daytime in fear they’d randomly decide to stab me. I always hated being alone in a room with ANYONE because I’d be convinced they’d just strangle me then and there and there’d be nothing I can do to stop them. I sometimes think someone will come into my house and just kill me. But slowly. I never think anyone will kill me quick, I always think they’ll do it slowly. I rarely go to restaurants out of fear they’ll poison the food. I honestly think a lot of them serve human meat.