Pissing Me Off

Author: Mimas

Lately I’ve been stressed because I moved away from home and started uni like nearly a month ago but some things have been pissing me off which is a different kind of stress.

First off, I’m struggling socially at uni. Big surprise! Huge! I feel everyones in a little group by now except me. ive made friends and have around 4 things lined up for halloween so Im not gonna say im a total hermit but its uhh… not what i was hoping for. I want more. I want a fulfilling social life by normal people standards not former recluse ones. I’m pissed off at myself.

Secondly, one of my guy friends I kind of have a crush on has been dating this girl from London and we don’t live in London so there have been times where she’s agreed to come down and eventually had to blow him off which upset him. This happened two weeks ago. On that day we went to the pub because British and then afterwards when we were tipsy he asked me if I wanted to watch a film because sometimes we do that. Or did that. I don’t know where our friendship is headed. Anyways we ended up like cuddling and he was trying to get into my panties (drawstring on my tracksuit was too tight to slide his hand down there fully). There’s a bunch of other details:
– he took off his shirt
– we were spooning
– we didnt watch the film
– he was holding my head to his chest
– he put his hand on the small of my waist
– he made me put my thigh over his leg
– HE WAS ALSO INITIATING ALL OF THIS I JUST WENT ALONG WITH IT
So I assume “ok, i guess the thing with this girl is over because shes blown him off a bunch now. Maybe i should make my move.” Tell me why a few days later he cleans the entire downstairs awaiting the arrival of this girl?? And you know what makes things worse,, I HELPED. He only told me halfway through what we were doing. Cucked myself. Then later on I find out from another housemate that he’s doing a wine night with her (and a few others) in our house. They were up until 1:30am and I had 3 lectures the next day until 6pm. I’m upset that I lost a friend because like,, I valued him and he put up my weird shit. But also WE LIVE TOGETHER and it’s only the start of the year. How could he do this to me?? Everything’s gonna be so awkward and it’s his fault. If it was my fault I’d be more content because then I’d feel like I had control. I’m pissed off at him.

Thirdly, today a parcel arrived for me. I ordered a tank top and some cheap jewellrey. One of the rings was one of those adjustable ones and it got proper fucked up in transit. It looks like someone sat on it, squashed it. I don’t know how to put it. The tank top came with sewn in bra cup inserts that my tits were too fucking fat for. Makes sense because the tank top was from China and they have itty bitty titties over there. Got me thinking about how I wouldn’t make a good mother because I would probably take out my insecurities on my child. My mum did to me a lot since she’s jealous of my boobs. I got them from my dad’s side of the family. At my maternal grandad’s memorial dinner, the table of my female relatives were all talking about my tit size and how I definitely didn’t get it from them. It wasn’t pleasant, I was 15. They’re not big enough to justify a reduction. So the tank top made me think about my dead grandad. I’m pissed off at the bra cup inserts because I have not met a single woman who even remotely likes them and yet they find their way into too many female clothing items.

As many of you know I’m really into watching Spanish films. One caveat, they almost always have english subtitles only. Why?? Spanish is a widely spoken language. I find films with random SEA languages all the time but no spanish?? Why’s it only possible for me to find spanish films with english subtitles but not spanish subtitles when that’s the original language they’re in??
Tonight whilst I’m stuck in my room because there’s an unfamiliar female voice, that I assume is that girl, coming from behind the living room door (the living room that you also need to go through to get to the kitchen) I decided to watch Abre Los Ojos because that’s a movie that’s been on my list for a while. Can’t find it in decent quality with Spanish subtitles. I wish I didn’t know Spanish because I would be content to watch them with English subtitles but I can HEAR that I’m missing out on bits they’re not translating for whatever reason and something they translate things incorrectly/different to how I would’ve done it.
Usually I’d ask my dad to torrent it for me but he’s not here (well more that that i’m not there bc uni) and my laptop went through something called a “blue screen of death” recently so I had to factory reset EVERYTHING. I don’t have any of my apps or shortcuts or anything I’ve put on there because of that. I’m pissed off at the world.

I’ll rewatch Tesis tonight. Same director and main male actors. It’s on here in good quality thank god (no spanish but i know the pain Admin goes through for the subtitles and im not gonna be a chooser).
It was the film we were meant to watch together that night. I picked it. I’m pissed off at that.