Author: Alltid
I did something to myself yesterday and now I’m in the isolation room, but it’s not as bad as the other psych ward’s in D. I keep having to remind myself that I’m not there.
Thankfully, Dr. L. said it was alright for me to have my phone and headphones in here, otherwise with no distractions it would be a lot worse.
But now there’s no escaping the feelings that I tried to push away. The feelings that came up when I opened that door. Just a lot of fear, confusion, mistrust. People hurt because everything hurts. Still, I believe people are good. But I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
I feel like isolating, but I want to learn to trust again. The past 5 years have been really rough, and now all that stuff I’ve been through is unthawing because I’ve been sober for a pretty long time and titrating my Diazepam (I’m only on 10mg now from 40mg, next week we can hopefully lower it to 5mg).
Accepting my grief and pain and not trying to find where it belongs, I can’t fit it into neat little boxes. I can’t categorize what I’ve been through, either.
I just need to let myself feel it and release it, and remind myself I’m somewhere else now. Try to put it down my book or art or whatever else.
Ramble over.
Alltid, ur braver then me. I gotta admit.
I was a homeless heroin addict once riddled with untreated mental illness including schizophrenia so I kinda know what you’re feeling. Id defo stay sober even if everything feels terrible being on drugs will inevitably put you down a downward spiral. Try and get through one day at a time even if you mess up with shit you’re only human
Well done on the sobriety I know how hard it is to want substances when life is in the shitter but mental clarity and a healthier body is better than being a druggy, alcoholic ect