Author: Is dependence on ppl
As much as I like torturing myself physically, having fun here and there, and experimenting with shit, there is one thing I hate the most: getting sick.
When I’m sick, I feel enormously vulnerable and unable to move or do anything. Simple things like eating, showering, and moving around become almost impossible and greatly annoying. I would have to drink a lot of medicine and sit by like a pitiful soul.
I hate fever the most. It gives me a sense of not existing in terms of time and space. It’s like I would get pulled into a black hole of nothingness and emptiness, with feelings like I’m going to die, and I don’t necessarily like it. Actually, I hate it, because it pushes me to do even crazier shit, so I would not be stuck in that nothingness and emptiness like a whore.
I would feel so weak that I wouldn’t be able to lift an arm. And that means I would need the constant help of others, which I also hate.
I think the thing I hate the most is getting sick. It’s the particular kind of vulnerability that illness imposes on humans. It’s just unbearable for me, especially if it lasts around a week or two, because I just have a weak immune system.
The loss of autonomy and dependence on others, and the temporal distortion from reality, all make me feel pitiful, pathetic, and like a lifeless human corpse rather than a human being.
I like being sick. Only thing I hate is a headache. All other symptoms turn me on. It’s hot to have a fever and be tired 🤤 But not on other people, cause I’m not a freak. I just enjoy the feeling. I’ve even tried getting sick on purpose a few times cause it’s so hot.
One time I accidentally ate bread without knowing it was moldy, I saw that it had mold half way through eating it, and decided to just finish it so test my luck. Cause I know I wont die, I’ll just be sick. I’ve vomited multiple times and it’s hot.
One time I almost vomited and fainted from being in so much physical pain. I was sweating and had to lay down. And it was such a turn on 🤤 Multiple times I’ve hallucinated from being so sick and I’ve enjoyed it. Still remember the one where I saw bugs all over my room and I couldn’t stop moving my legs 😵💫