Drugs Ruin Your Life

Author: Cockroach

Disclaimer: Don’t do drugs if you’re mentally ill..

Drugs started as a fun thing but eventually they started to effect my behavior which was already spontaneous and toxic in general due to having a personality disorder (guess which one lol) I started taking substances mostly because I was in a very toxic relationship at the time and when the relationship broke down I started to binge to cope with the heartbreak which lead down a very dark spiral that’s continuing today.

I have always been a compulsive liar but could never keep up with my lies and few came up which involved some major life events including being beaten by a made up ex I had when I was a teenager.. I do feel guilt and disgust over lying about terrible things but my thirst for attention and comfort from another person is all that matters to me most the time especially if I love them a lot. Anyways so yeah I couldn’t remember the bullshit I made up and my friend caught me in multiple bullshit lies so they straight up called me a cockroach and left (deserved btw)

Second one was weird she was a foid anyway who hated men and I’m guessing she listened to some tweaked out radical feminist that convinced her to stop being friends with me.. I did lash out at this friend multiple time over arguments of leaving my ex but nothing really bad. I’m convinced also a certain ex drug addict wackjob was whispering shit to her aswell..

Last friend was someone I love so so so so much but their entire existence is triggering. It was an online friendship with a person from another country and I fell in love with them almost instantly, constantly fantasizing about visiting them or them visiting me. I was so delusional and convinced me and them would become lovers so you can Imagine my detain when they told me they were going on dating sites to find someone.. My soul was crushed and that entire world I made up came crashing down and yeah I’ve been going off the rails a little bit over it. Yesterday I binged on substances and cut myself up really badly.. I kinda wish I didn’t now I FUCKING HATE having to hide my cuts from everyone IDK why my dumbass didnt just cut up my thigh. I’m doing everything I can to prevent scarring but its looks like its gonna and I wont look good at all with an arm tattoo.

I fucking hate my life right now but in a way everything is self inflicted and I’m trying very hard to not feel sorry for myself anymore.. I’m a really terrible person and always have been, I dont think anything can change that. Manipulation is something I’m shit at but very consistent in. When I don’t get my own way expect to walk on egg shells. I’ve done some terrible things in my life and continue to do and man I really wish I could brush this devil off my shoulder or at least god would answer my prayers for once. I’ve been thinking of suicide for a very long time and I think I have really decided to find a place and go with it. I cant take this pain anymore and I’m sick of hurting everybody who ever meets me. I don’t think anything can really fix me so the solution is to just end everything. I wish me and that person I fell in love with had something special they will be the last person I think of when I catch the bus.

If they ever end up here and recognize me I just want you to know how much I love you. I love you so so so fucking much. This is a little creepy but I sleep with your flag every night praying you will be here someday. I hope and pray you will save me from this hell before I end this existence.