Cultural Philistine

Author: Adam Lanza

Cultural Philistine:
Inside the Mind of a Sandy Hook Shooter

–

This microphone flashes this bright blue light when it’s recording. How did anything get to this point? The only reason I can ask that is because of my privileged position.
I don’t understand how anyone could possibly find the desire to manufacture computers. I mean, how did humanity get to this point without killing themselves? Then I remember, of course it’s only me who wants to do that.
There isn’t some transcendent truth that you should kill yourself. It’s just that I’m capable of recognizing what culture is, and my subjective values based on my experiences have led me to come to this conclusion.
But I think that everyone else would come to the conclusion, too.
Water isn’t objectively valuable, but it’s a consensus that everyone does accept it as having value, even though it’s not objective.
In the same way, suicide is water.
That’s getting into all this cosmic stuff. Now I can start formulating theories about why there’s anti-matter. It must have something to do with death.
Isn’t it so irritating how people try to say, “Quantum theory dictates that…” They have no idea what they’re talking about! They don’t even have the simplest understanding of Newtonian physics, and yet they’re trying to say that they understand quantum physics.
I don’t and I never will, and I don’t understand why someone would want to have the desire, but I can recognize that it’s really stupid to just contrive these justifications for your positions.
It’s no different than religion, and it’s no different than value itself.
Value is religion.

I wonder what I would have thought of myself if, let’s say, as a twelve-year-old boy I saw where I am right now. I suppose I wasn’t really introspective enough to come to a conclusion. I guess isn’t that another quality?
Introspection.
I find introspection to be extremely sexy. But that’s because I’m a narcissist and I am introspective.
Isn’t it strange how those atheists say, “Of course I won’t be bothered when I die, because I will not have existed, but I can enjoy life while I’m here.” Atheists will say that they recognize that in death you do not exist, but they don’t see what that means pertaining to life. They still think we can fulfill values in life.
Don’t you see that death is happiness? That life is deprivation? You can’t live your life — You have to die!
Maybe I will.
No, I won’t. I often say to myself, maybe I will kill myself tonight. But no, I’m not going to do it. I already know I’m not going to do it.
Maybe I’ll just ramble for a few hours.
I can’t release something like this. If I were to release something like this, I’d be involuntarily committed, imprisoned for the rest of my life. Life is a prison. But just saying that even risks being involuntarily committed.
It bothers me that people defer to these authority figures of psychiatrists and doctors thinking that they know what they’re doing, but they don’t have this well of wisdom. They’re fulfilling their own psychological deprivation.
That’s why they’re doing what they’re doing. It’s not because they have wisdom.
Isn’t it funny how I would be called insane, but everyone else seems to think that they’re perfectly fine?
Don’t you understand that you’re all heavily damaged, and I’m heavily damaged? That’s what life is. I’m just going to keep repeating myself.
I sound like Gary, don’t I?

…

Come take my hand.
Step onto the surfboard with me. Going to surf the web together. No, don’t worry. I’m not going to molest you while we’re alone just because I sound like a pedophile.
I was going to look up mental illnesses, and I found this PsychCentral website. So, let’s go down, and scroll down these tests together.
Hmm… Adult ADD test.
What do I think about ADD? Well, it’s a way that psychiatrists can dismiss someone for not accepting the psychiatrist’s values. That’s it. And ADHD even more so.
Anxiety screening test. What is anxiety? It’s culturally induced.
Autism. Aspergers. I hate the Aspergers label because people would apply it to me. I’m not autist. Well, Aspergers doesn’t, uh, it’s a nonsensical category. Anyway, moving on.
Bipolar. Hmm… Bipolar. I’m unipolar.
Quick depression test. Depressed? I’ve never been depressed a day in my life. I love life.
Mania test. Manic episode. Let’s try this mania test. Instructions…
You can use this quiz on a weekly basis to track your moods.
Okay. My mind has never been sharper… Hmm…
My mind is so dull. I’m not sure what each of these answers mean. Hah! Do they mean that this doesn’t apply? This, “my mind has never been sharper.” It doesn’t apply at all, so yes, you do, or yes, you don’t? That’s the question.
That’s the thing about tests. They operate under the assumption that the test creator has the truth. And I’ll be talking about that later once I scroll down to these other tests.
Anyway, my mind has never been sharper. I guess I’m just procrastinating, aren’t I?

…

I haven’t hugged anyone in four years. It was my grandmother and I didn’t want to hug her. I’ve never voluntarily hugged anyone. I wish I could. I wish I could cuddle with someone I love.
But I recognize that that’s no different than anything else I’ve talked about pertaining to desire.
I don’t know why I don’t just do it.
Why am I expecting to accomplish anything before I do it? People seem to think that you can accomplish something in life, but you just impose deprivation on yourself, and then you seek to resolve that.
I mean, my room is pretty close to empty. I don’t seek to have possessions. People think that materialism is different than accomplishing something, but it isn’t. They’re both the same thing. And I don’t want to own anything. I don’t want to accomplish anything. I want to die.
It’s so stupid. I think, hey, why don’t I record myself killing myself? People will enjoy that. But doing that would not be recognizing what I’m doing. It’s still seeking to accomplish something. It’s not saying this needs to end. It’s saying I need to accomplish something. This needs to continue.
Anytime that anyone says anything, it’s because of a deprivation that has been coerced onto them. X needs to be accomplished. X must be communicated.
When you have nothing to say, the more silent you are, the closer to death you are. And I always have been silent.
I was just staring at the floor, and you know that optical illusion where you don’t move your eyes, it becomes difficult to see anything; your peripheral vision gets a green tint and well, you know, your eyes need movement to be able to see anything. And I was just thinking, where have I done that in the past?
I remember I was in this hospital once. I don’t know if it was a hospital, or whatever you call them, some general practitioner office. I’m thinking, oh yeah, tile floor, green outline. It’s not very often I experience that optical illusion.
I really fucking hate doctors. The most arrogant people I’ve met in my life.
Well, I know where else I’ve seen that. School tile floors. School is such a great place. You get to learn stuff and
become a better person to make a better tomorrow.
What is school?
School is culture. Basically, it’s cultural indoctrination. And what is culture? The imposition of deprivation.
That has me thinking about dreams. I actually dream about school a lot. It’s strange, but I still dream about middle school. Are dreams strange? I wonder how they pertain to culture. I’ve never really thought about that.
Dreams are the only place where I’ve felt pleasure. So, what does that mean? It means that dreams are fulfilling some deprivation that I have. Oh, that would be why people say, or culture would say, “you need to work toward your dreams,” because they fulfill that deprivation.
Make your dreams a reality.
Well, I don’t want my dreams to be a reality. I want my dreams to be sprayed all over the wall.
Why would I want that? Why would I not just be happy with pleasure? Pleasure is good, isn’t it?
Pleasure isn’t good. I have those dreams because this culture has imposed those dreams onto me. If I were feral, I would be dreaming about whatever dogs dream about.
I fucking hate dogs.
Dogs are like the most disgusting, detestable people you can meet. But you would hate me for saying that. There we go, thinking that some values are more legitimate than other values.
I don’t know why I love rodents so much. They’re just buck wild mavericks.

Isn’t it funny how it’s always the quiet ones who kill themselves?
“Just leave me alone.” I wonder what that means. It means stop imposing your values onto me. I don’t want to be deprived of anything. I want to die. Yet, you people keep forcing me to live.
But why is it always the quiet ones who kill themselves? In the past, I would have thought that it was because they were not being included in something. I think that’s the way that most people think of it.
But if you think about this loudness paradigm, then I would interpret it to mean that quiet people have less deprivation. Or at least in some cases. At least, I think that’s the case for me. I feel less deprived and thus I desire life less.
Loudness… Loud people are always most detestable to me.

I forgot to mention something about suffering being life affirming.
Isn’t it funny how the rich are the ones to kill themselves and poor people have more children? I think I’ve identified the cause.
Suffering is life. Or rather, life is suffering. Isn’t it funny how it just kind of works out that way?
Isn’t it funny how, if a psychiatrist were listening to me talking to myself right now, I would be committed for the rest of my life?
People say that suicide isn’t illegal. Yes, it is. It’s de facto illegal.
Isn’t that funny how people say, “We want people to express themselves to us because we want to help them,” but you don’t want to help them. You just want to coerce them into having the same values that you do.
But imagine if that were the case, that suicide wasn’t a taboo, and that you could actually say, “I want to die.” What would that lead to?
Some people might think, well, that would lead to us being able to resolve suicide, and it could help people overcome it if they were willing to talk to us about it.
I mean, it’s a taboo for a reason. It’s because it isn’t life affirming. People talking about suicide probably leads to more suicide.
I wonder if that’s the case. And if it isn’t, I bet it’s because there’s something else going on in culture.
Isn’t it so disgusting?

…

I want to talk about girls for a moment. I know this is really stupid feeble topic. I was just thinking about it. Why would someone say opposites attract? Opposites disgust me.
I’m attracted to girls who want to kill themselves, or who are exactly like me. The girl of my dreams is already dead.
Why would I want to meet the girl of my dreams anyway? It’s just a stupid combination of cultural values. All interaction is innately coercion. And well, I guess that’s just synonymous with interaction. Coercion.
Isn’t it stupid how people say there’s such a distinction as romantic love and familial love and platonic love and all these stupid things? There’s no such thing as those cultural abstractions.
It is harmful to yourself and to other people to use any labels for associations such as friend, romantic partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, whatever, family member, parents, countrymen, fellow human, and all the rest.
If your association with Person 1 is under label A, even if you do not want to associate with them at all, your culture tells you that you must engage in particular activities with them, because that is what’s right.
If your association with Person 2 is under label B, even if you both want to, you cannot engage in particular activities, because your culture tells you that it’s wrong.
If you enjoy activity X with Person 3, then your culture tells you that this association is under label C. If you mutually want to engage in activity Y with Person 2, then your culture tells you that this association is subsequently under label D. If you want to engage in activity Z with Person 2, and they do not, your culture tells you that since this person rejects label E, the terms of label D dictate that activity X and activity Y must be negatively impacted, even though they’re entirely independent from Z.
If you enjoy activity X with Person 4, but Person 4 isn’t engaging in activity C, which is something that Person 5 disapproves of, and is entitled to control your behavior because the two of you are under label F, then you must end your activity X with Person 4.
There are innumerable other issues such as you and another person applying different meanings to the same label since the labels are nothing other than cultural nonsense.
Related issues, the labeling of love, such as platonic, familial, romantic, asexually romantic, and all this other nonsense.
All that exists is positive affinity. They may biologically manifest differently, but that is no relevance to the meaningless application of these labels to your associations and the resulting structural changes. I can describe the problems of labels under all sorts of permutations. What’s important is that all of these pointless scuffles which invariably occur between friends, lovers, families, and whatever, could be prevented if people weren’t deluding themselves into thinking in terms of these cultural labels.
Culture. I’ve been pissed out of my mind all night thinking about it.
I should have been born a chimp.

Travis the Chimp.
Do you remember him? Well, he was a highly domesticated chimpanzee who lived in a suburban home in Stanford, Connecticut. He was raised just like a human child starting from the week he was born to the time that he was fourteen years old, which would be somewhere around age twenty in human years.
He slept in a bed. He took his own baths. He dressed himself. He brushed his teeth with an electric toothbrush. He ate his meals at a table and enjoyed human foods like ice cream. He used a remote control to watch television and liked baseball games, and he even used the computer to look at pictures on the Internet.
It goes without saying that Travis was very overweight. He was 200 pounds when he should have been around the low hundreds, and he was actually taking Xanax. I couldn’t find any information about why he was taking it, but it just seems to say a lot that he was given it at all.
And basically, I think Travis wasn’t really any different than a mentally handicapped human child.

One day in February 2009, he was acting very agitated, and at some point, grabbed his owner’s car keys, went outside, and started leaping from car to car, apparently wanting to go for a car ride. He was acting very aggressively, so his owner called a friend over to help him calm down and go back inside. When she arrived, he immediately attacked her. His owner tried to stop him but couldn’t, and she even resorted to stabbing him with a knife, but nothing worked. She later said that after she stabbed him, he looked at her as if to say, “Why’d you do that to me, Mom?” because apparently that was what their relationship was like: no different from that between a human mother and a human child.
After the stabbing, she called the police who arrived twelve minutes after the attack, at which point her friend was pretty close to dead. Once the cruiser came up, Travis went over to it and tried to open the locked passenger door. He smashed off the side view mirror, went over to the driver’s door, opened it, and the cops shot him. He fled back into the house where he went to his playroom and bled to death.
Every newborn human child is born in a chimp-like state, and civilization is only sustained by conditioning them for years on end so that they’ll accept it for what it is — and since we’ve gone through this conditioning, we can observe a human family raising a human child and I’m sure that even you have trouble intuitively seeing it as something unnatural.
When we see a chimp in that position, we viscerally know that there’s something profoundly wrong with the situation, and it’s easy to say there’s something wrong with it simply because it’s a chimp. But what’s the real difference between us and our closest relatives?
Travis wasn’t an untamed monster at all. He wasn’t just feigning domestication. He was civilized. He was able to integrate into society, he was a chimp actor when he was younger, and his owner drove him around the city frequently in association with her towing business where he met many different people and got along with everyone. If Travis had been some nasty monster all his life, it would have been widely reported. But to the contrary, it seems like everyone who knew him said how shocked they were that Travis had been so savage because they knew him as a sweet child.
Look what civilization did to him. It had the same exact effect on him as it has been humans. He was profoundly sick in every sense of the term; and he had to resort to these surrogate activities like watching baseball and looking at pictures on a computer screen, and taking Xanax. He was a complete mess.
And his attack wasn’t simply because he was a senselessly violent impulsive chimp, which was how his behavior was universally portrayed.
Immediately before his attack, he had desperately been wanting his owner to drive him somewhere, and the best reason I can think of for why he would want that, looking at his entire life, would be that some little thing he experienced was the last straw. He was overwhelmed by the life that he had, and he wanted to get out of it by changing his environment, and the best way that he knew how to deal with that was by getting his owner to drive himself.
When his owner’s friend arrived, he knew that she was trying to coax him back into his place of domestication, and he couldn’t handle that, so he attacked her and anyone else who approached him. Dismissing his attack as simply being the senseless violence and impulsiveness of a human is wishful thinking at best.
His attack can be seen entirely parallel to the attacks of random acts of violence committed by humans, which the mainstream also has no explanation for. As far as actual humans, I just don’t think it would be such a stretch to say that he very well could have been a teenage mall shooter or something like that.