Combating Homicidal Ideations

Author: Just Some Schmuck

Disclaimer: Relax and bear with me. I’m not talking about killing people. The official title is/was ‘5 Ways I Combat Homicidal Ideations’ but had to be chopped due to character restriction. So, yes, there is a list here. But I’ll get to that. Context first…

Some people should just be killed. Everyone agree? Good. But alas, there’s just one problem. Murder is illegal and comes with severe consequences. I currently have several on my own personal ‘kill list’. Like one of my former neighbors, for instance. He tends to talk to himself alot and one day I overheard him voicing his homicidal ideations out loud in a common area of our residential complex. He wants to be this rogue sniper type with a focus on families and specifically, children. The dude WANTS. TO. KILL. CHILDREN! I was taken aback when I heard this but just listened, continuing my business then walking away. He’s even threatened a mutual acquaintance’s family. There’s more, but I’ll not bore y’all too much. Suffice to say, this guy doesn’t deserve to draw breath because he’s just such a piece of human sewage. Odd thing is though, he hasn’t been seen since making that threat. It’s been about two months and, according to my sources, he hasn’t officially moved out. So that’s interesting.

I’ve fantasized about ending him so many times, ridding the world of his vile presence. But then… that whole ‘murder is illegal’ thing. Yeah, that sure is a stickler. Because it’s so difficult for the average person to get away with murder nowadays. With cameras everywhere, touch DNA analysis and law enforcement agencies now communicating and sharing intelligence across jurisdictions, it’s damn near impossible. Yet some folks don’t seem to care about any of that. I watch a couple of true crime type shows and am always amazed and, oftentimes amused, at the incompetence of whatever killer is being featured. They just snap and kill, seemingly without regard. There’s a freedom in that, I suppose. But even if the perpertrator is somewhat smart about it and tries to clean up a crime scene, blood evidence is VERY difficult to eradicate. Luminol will tell on you 99 times out of 100.

So, what’s the rest of us supposed to do when faced with our own homicidal ideations? Well, personally, I have a few thought processes that I use to talk myself out of it. Here they are in no particular order.

-Prison:
This what we’re trying to avoid and is a big one for me because I’ve been to prison
and am none too keen on going back. It’s loud, annoying, impersonal, rude,
monotonous and most times disgusting –both in living conditions and the attitudes
of some inmates. On the plus side though, it’s NEVER boring. Except maybe at
around 2 or 3am when it finally gets quiet-ish. By that time though, you just want to
get some rest. And privacy? You can check that at the gate and pick it back up on
your way out because you won’t need it. Simply put, it’s the least fun place I’ve ever
been to. So, I remind myself of those times whenever I contemplate homicide.

-My dog:
I adopted her last year as a young pup and she has since become the rock I grab
onto when in times of mental anguish. She’s a sweetheart and such a social
butterfly. In fact, ‘Butterfly’ is one of her nicknames. Where I want to kill everyone,
she wants to go meet and smell them with tail wagging in total abandon. She’s the
total opposite of me! So, who’s going to care for her if I go off to prison? There are a
few folks I know that ‘might’ fit the bill but I have trust issues. Even so, I would still
be separated from her… and that’s unacceptable.

-My home:
It took me awhile to acquire this place and don’t want to lose it. I don’t necessarily
like the neighborhood. No wait… to be frank, I loathe the neighborhood. But I’m
comfortable here in spite of the location. It’s become my refuge in the midst of chaos
and stupidity, my escape from the bullshit.

-Redeeming qualties:
Sometimes, I’ll become aware of and consider a redeeming quality of someone I’m
livid about and it will immediately disarm me. It could be something as simple as
them being nice to their mother or an animal, whatever. But it’s a major thing for
me because that demonstrates this person has something to offer the world,
however slight that may be.

-The work:
If you want to kill someone efficiently and without a trace, you really need to do
your homework. 1)Plotting and scheming, perhaps even stalking your mark to learn
routines. 2)What are you going to do with the body? 3)Deciding on the kill
method/weapon to be used and then either learning the method or obtaining a
weapon/firearm.

That last one is especially difficult for me as I am an ex-felon, so getting a weapon
is… complicated. Oh, I could find one. But do I really want to invest the effort? I’m
inherently lazy, so that compels me to just take a step back and realize, that in order
to kill this person, I have to do all of this other stuff beforehand. That’s usually when
I decide to just smoke some weed instead. Guns are so messy anyways. There’s
blood spatter, gunshot residue and if you don’t use a silencer, they’re incredibly
noisy. Ideally for me, under the right circumstances, a garrote would be the way to
do it. But, I digress.

So, that’s pretty much how I stay out of trouble. It’s been working so far! I often wonder though if I’m either a functioning sociopath or a pacifist coward. The internal consensus remains perpetually undecided but whatever the case, as long as I stay out of prison, I’m cool. Those places SUUUUCK!

Thanks for reading.