OLD MFER HUBBARD-COLE’S REVIEW

Author: His Mentor Cole

Old Mother Hubbard’s been begging me for a review every time I clown on him, so alright then, here’s your damn review sweetheart. Been thinking I oughta take one last run at the fool and then leave him to keep wallerin around in his own stupidity. Went back lookin through old comments and realized I’ve been hating this motherfucker since Dec 2022. Hahaha that’s a lot of time to be hating one single retard.

I don’t post around here all that much, but when I do it’s usually aimed at him. So this whole thing’s basically just a page of receipts. The name Cole comes from LA Noire. Loved playin that game when I was a teenager, and the name just kinda stuck. Figured it fit because Cole was kind of an aggravating bastard too. I have never used an alias here. At least not that I can recall. Different dps certainly. The admin will not be of much help here to prove this due to his nolog policies, but where I come from, your word is stronger than blood relations. Except if you’re a sly old weasel ofcourse. Coming to the weasel…

ORIGINS:
Touchless 2013
Our beautiful little love story first blossomed right there on that movie page. I’d seen him posting shit before. From the jump, somethin about him smelled off. Y’know the type, loud fella at the store who talks over everybody hoping confidence’ll cover for the fact he don’t know the fuck he’s talkin about. Most folks don’t challenge it because they mistake rattle for intelligence. So anyway, he was carryin on raging against a reviewer. In it he made the claim that the schizo character (he called him the psychiatrist) was the same as the pimp. That’s when I chimed in and pointed out he was talkin straight outta his ass. Soon as somebody questioned him, he started hollerin about his “keen eye for detail” and carryin on like a rabid dog. Whole thing happened cause he got nervous somebody finally noticed he couldn’t follow a pretty simple damn plot without Google holding his ass. After that he’d get all worked up anytime he caught me mocking him cause deep down he couldn’t stand somebody holdin up a mirror to what he really looks like. Well if you’re a fat old loser, who would. Then began what would become the Old Mother playbook. Create aliases, talk to himself or fight from different alts.

MEMORIES OF MURDER:
This whole routine he keeps pushin about me being after him for hating Memories is just his way of dodgin the actual reasons. For years this fella just flatout didn’t understand Asian cinema or even Euro stuff stylistically. What he did know was ancient American movies which lines up pretty well with him being some cranky 60+ dude yellin at kids passin by. And it ain’t even about age. Nobody cares if somebody’s older. But when a guy starts loudly trashin movies and genres he clearly doesn’t understand, and half the time probably didn’t even watch proper, eventually somebody’s gonna start calling attention to it.

Yeah, he talked shit about Memories… Fine. I didn’t even argue with him back then on the Memories page. I only started bringin it up later whenever he’d do his usual blanket “Asian cinema is bullshit” routine. Funny thing is when he finally made his big worst-movies list yesterday, suddenly he couldn’t find the balls to include Memories after all that mouthin off hahaha.

Some of his comments on Asian movie posts:
This is exactly why I hate Asian cinema.
This movie is a prime example of why I avoid Asian Cinema.
Honestly, most of the Asian films I’ve seen on this site are utter garbage.
Almost every Asian film I’ve watched has had weak acting and idiotic plots.
I have seen a lot of Asian cinema and most of it is shit.
Asian cinema sucks. It’s so corny.
I’m not a huge fan of Asian films because they tend to get sort of corny and goofy at times. (As recently as Dec 2025)

For the longest time he behaved like someone that wouldn’t know taste if I vomited in his mouth. Makes me wonder if mama sent him to Chinatown to pick up some soup as a boy and had him prance around there annoying everyone with oriental dance moves he’d picked up from daddy’s favorite queer queen tape. Hence the blanket hate for all things Asian.

Anyway, then them stupid lists of his started happening and all of a sudden he realized he might actually need to watch Asian movies. You can literally watch the tone shift. He had absolutely buried Father Is a Dog back then, but now, years later, turns around on Mother Is a Whore actin all thoughtful and cute about it. Too much ego to just admit he didn’t understand the first one the first time around, so instead he sidesteps over to another movie in the trilogy hopin nobody noticed. And honestly, in a weird way, I’m almost proud of the dumb bastard for finally coming around, after I spent years hammerin him about Asian cinema. But his ego’s so swollen up he’d rather react with bitterness and spite than admit somebody else broadened his petty horizons a little.

His average Asian movie review pre-Cole:
“Goofy comedy that was too convoluted and bullshit to understand.”
Or a comparative putdown using trashy ’70s Hollywood movies he watched while being ejected from his mother’s ass.

QUITE DIMWITTED + DOESN’T WATCH MOVIES BEFORE COMMENTING + LIES THROUGH HIS TEETH:
Honestly I don’t think he actually watches some of the movies he comments on. Feels more like skims Google for summaries, grabs a couple opinions, then comes barrelin into the comments acting like an authority. And when he does watch em, half the time the movie flies clean over his head and he ends up making a complete jackass of himself while still somehow talking with absolute confidence.

Touchless above was one example. More:
Oldboy- He hated it because he thought the point of keeping Oh Daesu captive was to starve him or break him physically. Also was confused why Oh became “Mike Tyson”. The funniest was when he completely missed the twist ending which I don’t want to *spoiler* here and when it was explained to his primitive brain, he started running hoops calling it “too convoluted and bullshit”. Obviously it’s bullshit when it flies over your dumb head.

Sees one Asian movie where they blur out some pussy, then wanders into a completely different movie that didn’t blur and comes back with this dumbass review:
“Softcore Japanese porn with a bullshit storyline. They even blur out the beaver shots. 1 star.”
Motherfucker didn’t even bother to watch before mouthin off.

Made In Britain: Absolute trainwreck performance from him in the comments. Starts arguing with damn near everybody the second folks try explaining the movie to him, and instead of listening, he just doubles down louder. This is also about where the classic playbook first really showed up – fake posts under my name and playing little alias games.

Efterskalv: This one was honestly just sad to watch. Man completely missed one of the biggest parts of the plot, made a total fool of himself arguing about it, then once I pointed it out, suddenly switched over to “well maybe I got up for a piss and missed that part.”

The Other Side: had comprehension problems with a damn documentary. At this point there really ain’t much left to say.

Not Angels But Angels: Couple days before this got posted, over on the Mandragora page, you can literally see him asking the admin whether the other two movies in the trilogy were gonna get uploaded and openly admitting he hadn’t seen em yet. Then Not Angels drops over here and suddenly this fella’s writing some longwinded thesis not only about that movie, but also about the very next one to come that he’d just admitted few days earlier he hadn’t even watched.

Cruising: Just straightup made up a bunch of nonsense about something Friedkin never said involving Pacino in hardcore gay sex. Seems more like his personal fantasy as he’s been spamming this place about Cruising for years. Irrational obsession with it makes me wonder why. This coupled with his desperation to see Czech underaged rentboys makes him seriously sus.

KINDA UNEDUCATED:
I genuinely ain’t sure this fella finished school sometimes. He’s had all kinds of half-baked theories over the years to prop up whatever conspiracy nonsense he was obsessed with that week. He don’t post near as many nowadays after I started calling him out nonstop for not knowign what the hell he was talkin about. One of the funniest was when he confidently claimed NASA could literally “see a molecule hundreds of lightyears away”. When I informed him about something called spectral analysis, it’s been immediate anger and confusion ever since hahaha.

HALF BAKED OPINIONS ON MUSIC TOO:
He’s always seemed weirdly bitter toward successful people, especially if they made real money along the way. Like somehow it’s everybody else’s fault he ended up sittin around trying to sound smart online all day. With his intelligence I’d say he achieved par. Take Metallica for example. For years he kept screechin “nepo babies” over and over like he’d uncovered some conspiracy. On further scrutiny, turns out the only stuff he’d really listened to from was St. Anger and a little bit of Load. Imagine listening to a band’s shit music they put out when they were his crusty age and being completely ignorant of their first four albums. And how does someone born into privilege make a difference if they’re creative enough to be part of bringing thrash metal into the mainstream. And honestly the nepo obsession gets even funnier now after his recent little confession that he mostly sits around the house livin off his wife while acting superior to everybody else. Irony tattooed itself on his dumb ass right there.

Has misspelled Megadeth as MegadeAth way too many times for it to be a typo.

LIST SHENANIGANS:
He’s been polishing that turd for several months now. Still remains undelivered while Pink Finger and I took a few hours to roll out ours.

So he panics when he sees my list and begins trashin it while hyping up his mythical better list. I never cared about no damn list in the first place. Only reason I even put one out was to show everybody it weren’t the earth-shattering event this fool kept pretending it was.

Then finally he puts out, ironically, an Asian Film list. Despite all his dumbass comments on MY list, I still give his list a 4 star rating, partly outta pity for his dumb ass, partly cause a few of the movies were kinda solid. Then explain why I deducted 1 point and tell him I’m proud that my mentoring got him to actually watch Asian movies. You’d think he’d be gracious and grateful but instead starts crowin nonstop and hasn’t stopped since.

Any time somebody starts giving him hell, he immediately starts hollerin COLE COLE like dust in the wind cause apparently his brain can’t process the idea that more than one person thinks he’s an insufferable jackass. Meanwhile mysterious 1 star ratings keep droppin onto my list every single day like clockwork, and somehow every new account that pops up just so happens to adore his lists and talk exactly like him.

And once other users started making lists, it opened up a whole new chapter in the Old Motherfucker playbook – fake aliases, pity fishing, quiet downvotes, talkin to himself in comments, actin friendly before turning spiteful the second his jealousy kicks in. Just look at the mess over on Dannyz Top 10 List. Fella started acting sweet, then shady as hell, then tried pinning the whole thing on somebody else while simultaneously screechin that the same person was COLE hahaha. That’s what makes it so funny – every conspiracy of his eventually folds back in on himself cause he panics and can’t keep his story straight.

Every single list of his starts off with a few quick 5 star ratings. His newest claim is that they’re his friends.
So he hammers out a bullshit post, texts it to his friends and they quickly upvote it?
Looks like he didn’t think this one through for the glaring plotine he so often misses in his dumbass reviews – he has no friends.

On every other person’s list, he’ll be right there trash talkin it, carrying on about how his next list’s gonna be so much better, or hollerin out new assignments like “Show me your top Asian movies” or “Let’s see your best Al Pacino list.” But here’s where things have turned comical off late. If you go back and look at his first couple lists, the fella was rude as hell to anybody who questioned even one movie on there. Half the time he was accusing people of being COLE COLE, and the other half he was either demanding they make their own list or randomly takin shots at em for no reason. Pretty obvious he managed to piss off a whole pile of people cause every one of them lists eventually got rated straight into the toilet.
Now all of a sudden you’ll notice him actin sweet as pie anytime somebody responds to his constant whining about his lists. Little Thanks comments everywhere now hahaha. Funny what a proper humblin will do.

Oh and the alias frenzy ended up being unintentionally hilarious. Notable examples of his alts:
Solid list overall — which is especially funny cause that’s literally something I said while rating his Asian list. You’d think he was using it as some kinda ironic jab but nah. Fella genuinely just copies phrases and usernames from other people like a sped parrot. It’s a chronic condition with him at this point.

Then there was soomeone called “gangsta,” which might be the funniest one yet. Man tried trollin me by pretending to talk street and ended up soundin like a 60year-old substitute teacher who listened to Meow’s rap and decided “yeah I can pull this off” I’m damn near spittin, typing this, hahaha. This is what he wrote. Actually.
“omh be playin’ u bruh,,yous get mad and peeps wanna see his lists,,hes usin u playah,,,,

And every other day I need to keep hearing this Old Motherfucker ramblin on about how everybody oughta be grateful to him for the lists section. All because he was mentioned in the About page.
Boy, read it again. Real slow this time.

“Some time after Old Mother Fucker announced he was going to be watching every movie on here to make a bunch of lists, movie comments started getting flooded with people either frontrunning him or making their own lists. But like other things that have happened here, what started as a place for anyone to post movie lists was taken by the community to a place they chose – lists on anything.”

What it actually says is the community got so sick of his ass spamming every movie thread about his stupid fucking lists that people started making lists left and right just to clown on him until the whole thing got outta hand and needed its own section. That ain’t respect. That’s him accidentally becoming the village idiot. Fucking dumbass. Oh hell, that just reminded me – when the lists section first showed up, this fool used to wander around acting like he owned the damn place or had been appointed mod. Kept callin it “OMH’s page” and tellin everybody what they could or couldn’t post. Bet it reminded me him of back when he was homeschooled and his mama made him hall monitor haha

END:
This is my final swing for a while, but you can bet the next negative comment he receives will see him hollerin COLE COLE hahaha
Now fuck off. Or Scoot. I’ll grant you the choice. But just do it, you crusty old fool.