Childhood

Author: Cassandra

From the age of five, I kind of remember everything. I was always watching adults, spying on them, and trying to understand the way they thought so I could successfully fool them and get what I wanted. At that time, it was mostly chocolate, being allowed to watch movies, and money.

My whole childhood was about watching other people’s reactions and building a database in my tiny brain to keep track of what worked. Crying, hugging, and showing affection were things I almost always faked because my parents were abusive and would drown me in blood if I misbehaved. I needed to be strategic.

I never allowed my thoughts to be seen by the outside world. But I have always known that I don’t belong. I moved to a new country when I was six, and that’s when I started school. I couldn’t make friends. I couldn’t understand the other kids. They seemed silly to me, too boring, judgmental, and obsessed with trying to look like adults, while adults themselves seemed boring to me. Still, I always thought it would be somewhat “fun” to have friends.

Nothing really worked, though, lol. I fucking sucked at fooling kids because I simply never understood how they thought or how they felt about the things happening around us.

As I grew up, I gradually got better at lying, stealing, faking shit, and putting on several custom-made masks for each group or person I found worthy or useful. I’m still sharpening my act. I think I could be a good actress, lmao.

The thing I have always known since childhood is that I think and feel differently from other people. But what is different now compared to back then is that I understand humans.