Serial Killing For Beginners

Author: Audacity

Sick of never getting your way but always having to pretend you’re ok with it? Tired of ALWAYS feeling like a loser and that you haven’t lived up to your truest potential, after you watch a famous serial killer documentary? Ready to start a new life filled with fresh confidence, a fresh perspective, a feeling of ultimate power, AND a big secret? Well then gentle reader, look no further, because you just may be the candidate we’re looking for!

If you’re finally ready to get out of that rut (and your Mom’s basement) and plop into a new line of wet work, well you’ve come to the right place. Because for a limited time only, you can now begin my personalized, state of the art, expertly taught 13 week entry level serial killing training course for the one time low price of just $15,999.95 USD. That’s right, just $15,999.95! That’s a full 25% savings off the regular price!

This entry level course includes tailored sessions taught by master tradespeople with real world field experience, and a faculty with a combined lifetime kill total of over 250! Nowhere else in the world will you find a course that combines so many trained and skilled craftspeople of this discipline in one place, eager and ready to teach you the basic skills needed to begin a whole new life of the personal fulfillment you’ve been searching for.

Act now in the next 30 minutes and receive room and board included in your one time price! That’s right, INCLUDED! You’ll be able to train hard and then relax all in the same place. If you contact us AND pay in the next 30 minutes, you’ll receive included room and board in a lovely, rustic wooden barn with running extension cord electricity, fresh sheets on a cot, a round tin tub and hose for bathing, and even a porta-potty (WiFi not included)! This lovely rustic barn overlooks our school’s expansive 5 acre woods, where not only can you commune with nature, but bunk extra close to the spot where many courses, including body disposal and destruction of evidence, are taught and tested; so there is minimal commuting to class (meals are the sole responsibility of participant and are not included in price).

Upon payment you will also receive full course itinerary, participant required supply list, complete detailed course listing including course times and their individual purposes, as well as your own personal welcome packet, short bio of each staff and faculty member and their individual accomplishments and specialties (legal names will not be included), and the history of how our school began. Course cost also includes: Serial Killing For Beginners stocked tool kit, hazmat suit, rubber apron, rubber boots, surgical gloves, face mask, and bleach. You will also receive a lovely course completion certificate at the end of your training.

So if you’re ready to change your life for the better, learn a skilled trade from some of the greatest serial killer minds of our day, fulfill your highest destiny AND learn how to get away with it, contact EUM for further information on how to make the first cut of the rest of your life!

Disclaimer: Serial Killing For Beginners is not responsible for lost, missing or stolen trophies, legal and/or physical protection from arrest or prosecution, or the actions of independent faculty/staff contractors or their subsidiaries upon injury or death to participant during the 13 week training course or thereafter- Completed application and course fee required prior to admittance. NDA required upon admittance. Precautionary participant burial fund required upon admittance. Free will/under no duress document completed and signed upon admittance. Fingerprints and DNA sample required upon admittance.

(This is a joke dumbass so please don’t contact EUM…or he may actually serial kill me…or at least he’ll TRY. After all, I’m a trained professional 😂)