An Old Mfer and His Turd

Author: Cole

There was once a cranky old fool who found a particularly hard turd sitting at the bottom of his toilet bowl. Most people would’ve flushed it and moved on with their day. Not this old bastard. He stared at it for a while, nodded to himself, and decided it was going to make him famous.

Before long, he was down on his knees polishin the thing. Nobody knows exactly what he was using. Some say a rag. Some say furniture polish. One witness swears he was using an old toothbrush and humming to himself. Another fella swore he wasn’t usin’ nothin but good ol’ fashioned spit.

The important thing is that he was makin’ one hell of a racket. Scrapin. Rubbin. Gruntin. Mutterin. Masturbatin.

Naturally the noise attracted attention. One person stopped to see what was goin on – an ol’ friend named Cole holding hands with an aching cunt who didn’t speak much.

Then another. Then five more. Soon there was a crowd gathered around, all wonderin what masterpiece was important enough to keep the old fool locked in his bathroom for half the day. The old man looked up and saw all the faces. That’s when the trouble started.

He got nervous. Real nervous. His fat fingers started sweatin. The turd slipped. He caught it. The crowd gasped. The turd slipped again. He caught it again, but barely. Now people were pointing and whisperin. The old fool was convinced they were there to steal his prized creation. Particularly the faggot COLE.

Every time somebody stepped closer, he squeezed harder. Every time he squeezed harder, the turd shot halfway across the room. At one point he nearly dropped it into the sink and had to dive in after it. The crowd was loving every second of it. The old bastard, however, was descending into fullblown paranoia. His breathing got heavier. His eyes got wider. His grip got shakier. Finally, convinced somebody was about to take it from him, he made a decision so insanely stupid that nobody present could quite believe it.

Without warning, he shoved the half-polished turd into his mouth and swallowed it!!

The crowd stood there in stunned silence. Nobody said a word. The old fool dusted his shirt, then wiped his shit-stained fingers on them anyway and gave a sheepish shrug before laughing manically.

“Sorry, folks,” he said. “Y’all gonna have to wait another week. Especially that FAGGOT COLE”. He shrieked ’em words so loud he caught a coughin fit and shuffled back inside to shut the door. The crowd dispersed still trying to process what they’d just witnessed.

But deep down, even the old fool knew the truth: You can polish a turd all day long. You can even eat it. But eventually it’s going down the toilet.

*Any resemblance to an Old Mfer and his infamous lists is purely accidental.

**My review “OLD MFER HUBBARD-COLE’S REVIEW” was supposed to be my last swing in a bit, but the ol’ mfer just kept drawin me back in. I’m gonna lay off for a while now though as I was laughin so damn hard while writing this, I think I need to give myself a break from this fat retard.